walton vs lampert.

I always hated supporting Sam Walton and all his monopolizing warehouses of gigantic crap. This disease of a man has even infected my little town of Catacamas in the form of a grocery store with low prices. Unfortunately, with my minuscule budget, I cannot avoid buying red.

So I buy this DVD player that ends up dying after two point five minutes into Riding Giants. After working up the nerve and the Spanish level, I decide to go return it. I walk across town with this thing under my arm and finally arrive, sweating bullets. I find the nearest worker and explain I want my money back. Some commotion happens, and the man eventually takes my machine with receipt into a private room.

After about twenty minutes, I walk back and enter the room to find my machine playing a video on work ethics. Apparently, the thing works, just not on my wood-paneled television from the 60’s. And the fighting begins…

Asshole #1: The machine is functioning.
Me: But for me, NO! Not with my television.
Asshole #1: Well, you can’t return it because it functions.
Me: But it doesn’t function for me!
(Asshole #1 calls Asshole #2 over and they have a fast conversation I can’t follow.)
Asshole #2: You have an old TV, right? It doesn’t work with old TVs.
Me: Okay. I don’t have enough money to buy a new TV. I am only a volunteer.
Asshole #2: Well, you can’t return it. It functions.
Me: If it functions, why can’t you take it back and sell it again?
Asshole #1: We can’t take it back because it functions.
(Asshole manager enters room.)
Asshole manager: We can let you return it for other things.
Me: I don’t need anything! If I return it, you can sell it again because it works. If I keep it, it won’t function for me. It will just sit there.
(Everyone suddenly leaves except for Asshole #2, who sits down at the computer and starts doing inane things. I give the back of his head the death stare for about five minutes.)
Me: Okay, if there is nothing I can do, put it in the box!


I then storm out, sweating worse than I did when I arrived, with this useless machine. Sam Walton: 1; Biffy: 0.

While later reflecting on the situation, I found the silver lining: I had my first argument in Spanish, and I really impressed myself.